update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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