I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
