Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
