my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
