I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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