sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize