Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
