Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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