Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
