Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You are the jesus of drinking
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
