I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize