Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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