I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She's the barista slut.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I fill condoms, not promises.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
