Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
