first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
