Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
