I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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