I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
