oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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