you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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