OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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