I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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