Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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