i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
