so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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