I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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