i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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