You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize