Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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