I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
