her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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