i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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