smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
