There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
