I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it was like eating out sand paper
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
