Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
