I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
