You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love having hate sex.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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