My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
