Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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