I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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