"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize