she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Randomize
