Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
