By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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