someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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