I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
