Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
