Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
