JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i think i have two assholes
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
