i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
