Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
