I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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