I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
