wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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