I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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