Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
