i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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