the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He felt like a one man threesome
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
