oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
