First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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