ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
